This begins the Odyssey of Jo-Jo. Jo-Jo was most commonly known as Bob, because I really really hate typing Jo-Jo over and over again. You must first know about Bob to fully appreciate the trials and tribulations of this, the Odyssey of Bob. Bob was a small boy, not very bright, not very tall, and not very good looking. He was born into a family with 18 other kids. As such, he didn't get much attention from Mom and Pop. He turned to doing Bad Things to try to get Attention. In the Fourth Grade, he got in a rather large amount of trouble for a certain incident involving a plastic spoon and lots of red toothpaste. In the Fifth Grade, he got in another mountain of trouble regarding a mouse, a frog, and two chickens. You get the picture. We pick up the Odyssey of Bob when he is in the 10th grade. By this time Bob is widely regarded as the Class Dork, known primarily for his ability to get in colossal amounts of trouble for incidents involving obscure objects with no connection to each other. I'll begin our story with Bob on a particularly gray and foggy morning in the middle of March as he stood staring into his locker:
"Hm... I guess I should get to class," said Bob. He got a history book from his locker and stuffed it into his backpack. The Love of His Life, Kimmy, walked up to him. Now, unbeknownst to Bob, Kimmy really didn't have any feelings for Bob. In fact, she thought he was the biggest Loser on the face of the planet. But, being the compassionate soul she was, she tried to help Bob at every step of the way.
"Hey Bob. Are you going to history next?" Kimmy inquired.
"I was thinking about it. Gee, you sure are looking pretty today, Kimmy," Bob replied.
"Yes. Well. Bob, do you want to do me a favor while you're in history?"
"Anything for you, the Love of My Life, Kimmy."
"Right... I want you to go on a Metaphysical Journey. All you have to do is open up your history book, stare at page 37 blankly for no less than 35 minutes, and then you'll be on your way. This will be your Quest for Attention, and you will also try to end the trend of Bad Things in your life." Now remember, Bob wasn't the brightest soul. He didn't really understand much of what Kimmy had just said, but, her being the Love of His Life, he nodded and went off to history class.
So in history, Bob got his book out to the tune of a droning teacher, opened up to the magical page 37, stared at it for no less than 35 minutes, and then he was on his way. Now, we don't exactly know what Bob's Metaphysical Journey was like, because we obviously are not Bob. However, scholars who have extensively studied the subject believe that his Journey went something like this:
"Hey, where am I?" Bob exclaimed loudly. He was in a white nothingness, as might be expected on a Metaphysical Journey.
A loud ding sounded, and Bob suddenly found himself in a seat on an airplane. "Thank you for choosing Metaphysical Journey Airlines. Please direct your Attention to the flight attendant nearest you. She will demonstrate important saftey measures that you need to know in the even of an emergency. Get the flight information card from the seatback pocket in front of you and follow along."
"Hello? What the hell? Where am I?"
"Please be quiet and direct your Attention toward the front of the aircraft."
"But I don't have any Attention! I've been trying to get it my whole life!"
"Oh dear. You don't? Well, I'm afraid we can't let you ride this aircraft then. Please exit to your left. Be careful when opening the overhead bins, as luggage may have shifted during takeoff and landing."
"What? What the hell? Who are you? And where are you? And where am I?"
"Please exit to your left."
Bob got up from his seat, exited to his left, went down a jetway, and found himself in an airport terminal. There were people rushing all over the place. One ran past Bob, bonking his ankles painfully with a croquet set. Bob, befuddled hugely by the whole situation, sat down on a bench. A flight attendant came up to him.
"Excuse me, sir? I believe you were the one who didn't have any Attention?" she asked politely, in that way that flight attendants do.
"Why yes, yes I am. Where am I?" Bob asked back.
"I've come to inform you that you're in the wrong Metaphysical Journey. This is part two, after you've successfully completed part one, which is the Quest for Attention."
"How rude! I can't believe they did that! Who's responsible for this? I'll give them a piece of my mind! And where am I?"
"I'm afraid I can't answer your question, sir. If you'll just step over this way, please, we can get you on your way." The flight attendant stepped aside and beckoned toward a gaping black whole in the wall. Now, Bob may not have been the smartest individual, but he knew the difference between a hole and a whole.
"What the hell? You want me to go through that? You can't DO that! Where am I?" he exclaimed.
"Oh my. Another slip up. Management must be asleep. Hold on one moment please," the flight attendant said. She disappeared in a flash of light, then reappeared in a puff of smoke. She sprayed the whole with some water from a purple spritzer, and it immediately turned into a gaping black hole.
"That's better. Now, please step through, and you'll be on your way," the flight attendant said. Bob stepped through, and he was on his way. He crossed the line between fact and fiction, passed a staircase extending as far as the eye could see, passed some nebulous objects floating at the periphery of his vision, and then he was there.
"Where am I?" he wondered aloud. Suddenly, the universe seemed to fall away from itself, and Bob found himself in a state with no senses. He was not aware of his body and had no sight and couldn't hear a thing. A bodiless voice boomed out of the ether:
"Bob! Boooooobbbbbb! I have summoned you to this place so that you may learn how to get Attention." Bob sensed this ethereal being making a gesture, and then a blinding light poured out from nowhere, and Bob could see again. A huge obelisk stood in the middle of a dusty plain that extended forever. Bob was quite far away from this obelisk, but was strangely able to get to it in less than four steps. It turned out to be a large black guy in a shabby overcoat. The guy turned around and leered at Bob. He had no teeth.
"Hi shonny! How are yew? Yew wanna know tha shecret to life? Take tha keys to dis hea Fowd Explorer. Drive due easht for fiteen minutes until you come to Enlightenment. Remember to go easht, and not wesht, cause then yew'll come to Entitlement." The guy tossed a set of shiny new keys down to Bob.
So Bob drove due easht for fiteen minutes, and then fell down into an abyss. There was a lot of bright flashing light, and lots of really loud rock music. Bob then found himself standing amongst some clouds, with the deity of his choice floating before him.
"Bob, you have done many Bad Things in your Life. However, I have decided to grant you another Chance, and revoke the trend of Bad Things. I have also decided to grant your wish for Attention, as you have come a long way on your Quest. As a Side Benefit to your Attention, you will also become a Sexy Bitch, a Fucking Genius, and will never find yourself Shitfaced after a long night of partying," proclaimed the deity of his choice in a loud booming voice.
"Hot dog!" yelled Bob. He whooped and hopped and jumped and did various things that, under different circumstances, could have been embarrassing. The deity of his choice smiled beatifically and waved his hands.
Bob woke up in history class. He had a large print on his face from page 37. He hopped up and, to his teacher's amazement, expounded in great detail upon the virtues of Napoleon's conquest and subsequent demise.
"Wow, you're a Fucking Genius!" shouted his teacher. He whooped and ran to the board, picked up a piece of chalk, and wrote A with hundreds of pluses behind it. Bob's classmates picked him up and carried him on their shoulders out into the hall. Kimmy, the Love of His Life, was there. Seeing that Bob was now a Sexy Bitch, she kissed him and they walked hand in hand into the sunset.
And so ends this, the Odyssey of Bob, or in some circles, the Odyssey of Jo-Jo.
This is stupid.
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