Pants

January 27, 2003

(The Winnebago is set center stage. There is tall grass surrounding it, as well as rocks and weeds. The Winnebago is rusted, and in an advanced state of disrepair. The door is on the left, and it bangs shut every time it is opened. There are one or two couches in the main area, as well as a great deal of litter and debris. There is a window in the back wall, with a solitary drape hanging forlornly from a broken rod. On the right is a short hallway that presumably leads up to the driver's seat, but it cannot be seen. At the back of the hallway is a door.)

Narrator: (in a deep, movie-preview voice) "Six college students. A haunted Winnebago in Canada. A bet to stay the entire night. What will happen? Will everyone make it through the night? Will the bet be broken?"

(Rich (a jock), Rose (a feminist), Jane (a typical, sweet girl), Candi (a blonde), Bubba (a fat man), and Bob (a smart, nerdy type) enter the stage from the right, coming up to the door at the rear of the Winnebago. Rich and Rose are carrying a cooler. The others are carrying sleeping bags/pillows.)

Rich: (looking muscular) "This is gonna be sweet."
Jane: (looking scared) "Are you joking? I can't believe this place is haunted!"
Bob: (looking smart, and holding up a finger) "Spirits don't exist. There's scientific proof. I can show you the equation if you want."
Rose: (looking haughty) "I'll show YOU an equation."
(they enter the Winnebago and set down the cooler/bags, then stand around and survey the Winnebago)
Bubba: (looking fat) "I hope we brought enough food to last us through the night."
Candi: (looking airheaded)"This place is scary! Like, what if my cell phone doesn't work?"
Bob: "I bet I could rewire it--"
Rose: (angrily) "Shut up. I could rewire it too, you chauvinist pig!"
Rich: "Heh. Heh. Heh."
Bubba: (looking out window) "It's almost dark. (looks longingly at cooler) I think it's time for dinner."
Candi: (clapping hands) "We'll eat later. Right now, let's tell a story!"
Jane: (sits down) "Oh, that's a wonderful idea!"
(everyone else sits down)
Rose: "It should be about a woman who gets a degree and rises to the top of the biggest corporation in the world!"
(silence)
Candi: (brightly) "It should be about a princess!"
Jane: "Splendid!"
(mild grunts of assent from the men)
Jane: "I'll start. Once upon a time in a beautiful land--"
Rich: "Hey, where's Candi?"
Bob: "She's gone!"
Jane: (worriedly) "We should go look for her. I hope nothing awful has happened!"
Rich: "I'll go first."
Rose: "Hrmph! I'm right with you."
(they set off in a group to look for Candi. They move two or three steps down toward the front of the Winnebago. The music heightens. At the end of the hallway they find some pants lying on the floor. There is a great deal of blood on them/around them. Everyone gathers around the pants.)
Bubba: (pointing) "Look, aren't those Candi's pants?"
Jane: (covering mouth with hand) "But look at all the blood!"
Rose: "What do you think happened? Do you think she's dead?"
Jane: (fighting back tears) "D-Dead?"
Bob: (grimly) "We can only assume the worst."
Rose: (trying not to sound afraid) "Are we still going to stay here?"
Rich: (scoffing) "And break the bet? No way! I'm staying... even if you guys aren't. Just because a scared little girl ran off and got herself killed--"
Rose: "Shut up, you sexist pig! I'm as good as any man! I'm staying too!"
(they all go back to the main area and begin to discuss what could have happened.)
Jane: (flopping down on the couch) "Oh, I just KNEW something awful was going to happen! I told you this Winnebago is haunted!"
Bob: "I told you guys before. Ghosts don't exits. There's a logical explanation for what has happened. We just have to find it."
Rich: (stepping toward Bob) "She's dead, you fool! Shut up!"
Bubba: (gesturing placidly) "Yeah, come on. We don't need that now."
(everyone freezes, all the lights go out, except a spotlight on Rose)
Rose: (announcing to audience) "It's time for some payback. Rich deserves a little punishment for his insult, so I'm going to play a little prank on him and hit him with this baseball bat. Not too hard, though." (Lights come back up. She moves up behind Rich to strike him lightly with the bat, but she trips over the pants and kills him!)
Bubba: (screaming) "You killed him!"
Rose: (screaming and throwing up hands) "I didn't meant to!"
Jane: (screaming) "Then what did you mean to do?"
Rose: (screaming and pointing at the pants) "It was the pants! THE PANTS!"
Bob: (screaming and pointing at Rose) "You're making excuses! Get out of here, MURDERER!"
(Bob, Jane, and Bubba kick Rose outside the Winnebago.)
Rose: (screaming) "I tell you, the pants got in my way! The same pants we just saw in the hallway! It wasn't my fault!" (the others shove Rose out the door.)
Bubba: "(yelling) Well, you can just take your sorry pants with you!" (throws out bloody pants and slams door.)
Rose: "Hrmph. Just like a man!" (sniffs around) "Ugh! These pants smell like blood. (wolves howl)... What's that sound?" (Rose moves off toward the darkness at the edge of the stage. Growling and howling and possibly screaming ensue)
Jane: (standing above Rich's corpse, holding hands to mouth. Turns to Bob and Bubba) "Oh, we should call the cops. I can't believe Rose just killed Rich."
Bob: (rubbing chin) "Didn't Candi have a cell phone?"
Bubba: (from the couch) "Good idea, Bob. Why don't you go out and look for Rose and get the phone out of the pants?"
(Bob goes outside to find Rose, but finds pants lying on the steps with the cell phone sticking out of the pocket. Bob gets cell phone from pants, tries to make a call, but can't get any reception. He goes back inside, dropping the pants carelessly on the floor.)
Bob: "I couldn't get any reception out there. (tries phone again) Dang! Perhaps if I open up the case..."
Jane: (quickly) "Let's try it again outside."
(Jane and Bob go back outside to try phone again.)
Bubba: (looking in the cooler and eyeing a jar of pickles) "Mm, pickles!" (he picks up the jar and tries to open it, but can't get the top off. Seeing the pants, he grabs them and uses them to get a better grip on the jar. Unfortunately, there is an accident and the jar breaks, sending a pickle right into Bubba's mouth, choking him to death)
(Bob and Jane come back inside)
Jane: (looking at door as she holds it open for Bob) "Bubba, we contacted the police and they're on their way... Bubba?"
Bob: (coming in behind Jane) "Oh my gosh..."
Jane: (screaming) "He's dead! Everyone is dead!"
Bob: (excitedly) "Listen! I just realized what's going on!"
Jane: (looking fearfully at Bob) "Wh-what do you mean?"
Bob: (earnestly) "These deaths aren't accidents. They're happening for a reason! (taking a step toward Jane) Listen, Jane, this place really is haunted!"
Jane: (backing away, toward door) "What are you talking about? Bob, stop it, you're scaring me!"
Bob: (closing in on Jane) "Don't you understand? All that we found of Candi were her pants. Rose blamed Rich's death on the pants. Rose is out in the wilderness, probably dead by now, because of the pants. Look at Bubba! He's still holding the pants!"
Jane: (confused, still backing away) "Bob, I don't understand."
Bubba: (raising eyebrows and voice) "All of the deaths had one thing in common!"
(Jane keeps backing toward the door)
Jane: (sounding worn out) "Oh, I'm so tired. This is all making me--"
Bob: (perceiving that the pants are just behind Jane, lying in the doorway, ready to trip her, screams) "PANTS!"
Jane: (looking around) "Huh? I guess I am panting--"
Bob: (jumps forward) "PAAAAAAAANNTTTTSSS!!!!"
(Jane, frightened by Bob's exclamation, takes one last step backward, causing her to trip on the pants and fall down the stairs, breaking her neck)
Bob: (screaming) "AAGH!" (muttering to himself) "Okay. They're just pants. So what? Pants! They don't KILL people. Come on, Bob. Be reasonable. Haunted places don't exist. Logic and calm, that's me--" (interrupted by the sound of the door creaking, looks to door) "No!" (puts hand out to doorknob)
(lights fade to black, sound of door slamming)

Narrator: (in same deep voice) "Did Bob live? Did he die? You decide. But hopefully, next time you're getting dressed, you'll look at your pants a little bit differently."

I got the idea for this out of a chat among a few friends. The main storyline came from my buddy Drache. The dialogue was all me. Unfortunately, this didn't turn out quite as funny as I'd hoped it would be.

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